


Doesn't Everyone Need Some Blue?

by HetaRosFangirl



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Complete, Depressing, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:49:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9891341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HetaRosFangirl/pseuds/HetaRosFangirl
Summary: Ethan Nestor has finally cracked.He only hopes to seal his cracks before the others see them.How is he going to keep this a secret? He's too blue for his own good.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thank you for checking out my very first fanfiction! Please, if your dealing with these issues, I strongly encourage you to get help in any way you can. Constructive criticism is always appreciated - any feedback is awesome. If there are any mistakes at all, or just anything you want to tell or ask me, don't hesitate to leave a comment. Enjoy~

Chapter 1

Ethan Nestor glances to his wrist, blood oozing into the sink.

…What have I done?

No, I left this behind so long ago. It can't come back, can it? I'm not that blue, right?

It was hard for the blue-haired twenty-year old to keep believing that statement, though.

The red splotches dotting the white graphite – well, that evidence has said enough. What was the saying, ‘Actions speak louder than words'? Yeah, that one. That’s what they taught me in school all those years, anyway.

However, this action is very new to me, have my words really gotten to the point as to influencing my decision right now? Has all of my so-called ‘treatments’ been for absolutely nothing? 

Sure, I've thought about it before. Back in the dark days of high school. I still remember the whole list of awful that I placed myself into. The loneliness. The dread of knowing I couldn’t have the courage to socialize with the guy next to me. The never-ending work that, while I was completely fine with, did nothing good for my slowly escalating stress levels. The amount of whatever remaining energy I had left from the previous day, spent getting up from bed the morning after. The temptation to let my dark thoughts run wild, every single time I had a second of breath. Day to day to day again. I don’t think I’ll ever let myself forget that period of my life.

Thankfully, my daily life got better.

My friend and I started our own YouTube channel. Each day, I found myself smiling more and more. Going through week by week, all I wanted to do was make videos for other people. I loved my little community, messaging me on how I’ve helped them with similar struggles. It gave me purpose, by helping myself, I’m helping others in the process. That concept will never stop being amazing in my eyes.

My management job became more bearable, gymnastics blossomed in my heart again. I really missed loving gymnastics. YouTube just kept growing, even when my good friend left me to control our creation online.

I was sad, but after the initial shock I was fine with the move – I still adored making my content for the people on the other side of the screen.

Surely afterward, I was considerably happy much of the time. Crazy bumps happened, yeah, it’s part of life. No one can escape those things.

I forced myself to move to a new channel, for everyone’s sake. I had to start all over on the platform. But I would be damned to hell if I had listened to the other small fraction of my head, thinking that I should just get off the business entirely. No way. 

Next thing I know, time goes by, and I get a casual call from my idol. Merely asking if I wanted to fly to LA to make videos with the dude. You know, the call everyone gets from time to time. 

I went from back-flip guy to editor – needless to say, I accepted the challenge of hanging out with the famous Markiplier.

Waiting for my luggage at the airport, I recalled wondering if Mark dyed his hair again, just to spite me. I'm not sure what I was hoping for exactly. Mark came regardless of my wishes, the little jokes dissolving during our talk to his vehicle waiting outside the sliding doors.

I made a sound out loud, almost resembling a little chuckle. That was a good day. 

Wait…..I made noise.

In sudden horror, both my arms simultaneously spring to cover my mouth, forgetting what I had done to my left arm a minute before I went down memory-lane.

I can’t be exposed. Not like this, at least.

Clutching my razor from the floor, I went back to enclosing my wrists with bandages. The thing fell from the toilet when I went to turn off the faucet beforehand. I didn’t do too much in the haze, that’s a relief.

That was…an experience.

It’s never dawned on me how bad the mess gets.

I only did a couple of lines, how is there so much blood?

God, what a mess.

The room and me.

Around fifteen minutes later, my task of cleaning everything is accomplished. There should be no sign. Hopefully.

For some reason, my mind just wandered a bit too far from the norm. 

Okay, maybe it took a trip far away from the norm. To a location most wouldn’t want to travel to on a spring break.

It was such a quick note that popped up, I didn’t consider what would happen after the storm occurred.

What would everyone think? Mark? Tyler? My subscribers? The people who I’ve been calling my friends since moving out to the west coast?

I start shaking – my fears are becoming my horrific reality. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

I have to tell someone…before it’s too late….my rational side said. If I keep this up, who knows what will happen.

Mark had already gone through Daniel…no way would I ever willingly out that man through that pain again.

You'll be forgotten in a week or two when your gone, my mind chimes in melancholy. Daniel had a legacy, what do you possibly have that’s memorable?

Shutting my eyes tightly, in a small effort to forget the voices, I slide my tool into the pocket of my hoodie. Mark and Ty should be fast asleep now. At least this newfound action came in the winter months, I can get better in a couple of months, it isn’t rocket science. Los Angeles is unforgiving in the summer – no way to hide when that comes along. I’ll be good. If not…I hope I don’t get caught.

Bracing myself for emotional impact, I swiftly open the bathroom door and walked as quietly as humanly possible. I couldn’t be too fast – if they are up, they’ll get curious. That can’t happen.

Eventually, I reach the safety of my room, lock the door behind me, hide the razor under the cold mattress, and prepare to fall asleep.

As my brain drifts off into slumber shortly- after my first real run-in with self-harm, my arm still aching form abuse, I think of everyone in my life.

What would my family think? 

What would my community think? 

Friends?

Humorous, this situation is actually. Here I was a short time ago, worrying over the next gymnastics competition for school. 

My coaches advice still rings in my ears. “Ethan, calm down, okay? You’ve practiced so hard, your one of our best! Now go out there and make all of us proud, alright? You have no shame to hide no matter the outcome, what happens, happens. Get out there, kiddo.”

My eyes shot open, my body shooting out of my covers. My head is spinning so fast, fully comprehending what I just did. I feel the presence of a tear roll down my cheek, only followed by more.

I’m sorry, coach. I have something to hide now.

 

Now, let’s be honest here.

I do care about my health. That’s how I always thought, even in the bad moments. Even at low points, I knew hurting myself wasn’t the solution. Nothing would be fixed. There was no point, really.

I would never imagine doing this to my once pale arm.

I'm for certain I still have this mindset, for it told me the second the metal touched my skin that this was a bad idea. 

Is the need to just feel something a justification?

Probably not.

What it might justify, thought, is why I woke up with a huge smudge of water on my pillows were my eyes were. My past deed may also explain why everything hurt.

Why the hell am I such an idiot? I’m not used to this, what person sleeps on their wrists face-down after that?

Fuck.

No further damage, thank God – but this wasn’t welcome this morning.

Wait, is it already morning?

I edge closer to my phone to the right of me, having both my alarm, notifications and current time on the lock screen.

4:47 am

Nope. This isn’t happening. Why did I do this, I should have set another alarm earlier, should have opened the blinds of my window so sunlight could annoy me to awareness, I should have done something!

The rest of the Markiplier crew gets up at 5:00 am. They all have to pass my room to get to the kitchen for breakfast.

Shit….okay. I can make this work.

Rushing to make a plan to speed-run what I have to do now, I scramble out of bed and start on the first thing that comes to mind.

I race to my closet, grabbing the nearest shirt and shorts, I was so tired last night I barely did anything before falling on my pillow and rethink of all of my life's mistakes. I want to dress the part…

…that sounds bad even in my head.

I come to my bed, arranging it so it looks neat. I then tidy up some stuff. Fix my covers.

While doing this, I think of having a good excuse to be up both last night and this morning, so I load Geometry Dash on my phone. Rage games are also obsessive, all residents of this house know this by now. They’ll believe it if I just couldn’t sleep. Or I can just say I wanted to redecorate a bit. I’d like to avoid lying for as long as I can.

Satisfied with my work, I check my notifications – none. Why would there be? I deleted them all last night.

4:57 am

Sighing in the eerie quiet of the morning, I know there’s going to be someone up in a matter of minutes. Mark never slept in. Unless he worked late into the night, which he obviously didn’t do. I uncover my now-decent bed sheets, diving in to make the illusion that I slept well. For a moment, I rest my head on my arm-

Shit. I’m a fucking idiot.

Wow, I really am pathetic. I'm just an amateur, I can get better at this.

No. I don’t want to get better at this. 

Panic rising again, the result of various sources of anxiety, I throw my shirt and throw on a long-sleeved shirt from who knows where.

Didn’t even remember the simplest of my new….Rules….how long will I last like this?

I really do have to tell so done…..eventually……before it’s too late….

If I truly had no one, I would have gone to get help privately from a therapist, a counselor, just anything at all in my disposal.

I’m not alone – not physically.

Mark, Tyler and Ethan – one big happy family in LA that loves gaming in the perspective of YouTube.

They send us their best intentions, best wishes, best gifts, which are the greatest gifts I have ever received. Many don’t know what goes on behind the equipment we use. One can’t see a whole person’s story on a screen. They can try, though. They see a lot – smart people are always watching.

Hell, even on the screen, the internet knows Mark doesn’t need more suicide bullshit.

My bullshit.

A jolt ran through the room from my phone before my dark mind took full control, pulling me back into reality. Another faint sound came from the room next door a few yards away. Most likely, Mark’s room.

I hear something knocking on a desk – Mark turning off his phone, I presume – I quickly climb into bed and pretend to be asleep. I’m always the last to get up these days.

I let my conscious swallow me into the abyss of darkness now consuming my mood.

Yup, right on schedule Markimoo, I blatantly roll my eyes to myself when the noise of footsteps grow nearer.

Someone in this house has the decency to do the right thing, Mark is following the right way of things constantly without failure. Much better than the lazy ass me.

Uhhh, shut up! I about to my goddamn head, frustrated with myself. That’s yet another thing about being like this – you know your doing something wrong, so it only furthers your reasoning into believing you’re the biggest piece of shit on the face of the earth.

It's the simple reason why it gets so much easier to spiral out of control from here.

Mark has always been the kind of person anyone could admire. He's just a good dude – corrects his mistakes, takes care of himself, openly thinks for the well-being of others, the things poster children and propaganda campaigns are full of. Only this is the specialized Mark Fischback version. He's of use to everyone, I know this all to be facts after living a couple of months of my life with this guy.

On YouTube, I wanted so hard to be a guy like him. The image he has given the world in his public and private lives. In my own way, though. The Ethan Nestor way. I like that idea – still do.

That thought train may serve as some reason to last night, despite its greatest intentions. There are so many good people out there, why can’t I be one? Why can’t I get off my sorry ass, stop being in this depressed state, and do something good that advances humanity instead of making the human race worse? What’s stopping me from doing something good? I stopping myself. I'm stopping humanity.

If I died, that would be doing something good for humanity.

Who needs me? My friends, family, channel, they’ll move on with their lives.

I'm always going to be labelled as the ‘love child of Mark and Jack', ‘Mark's editor', ‘the blue-haired guy’. They all stick with me, no reversing it.

Why can’t I just be Ethan?

I am, I remind myself. I’m blue boy, a crazy boy, CrankGamePlays. I’m my own person. That voice is getting weaker as minutes pass.

Yeah, but I’m in LA. I became part of this little group of amazing people. I got myself into this. I left my dogs, my family, my friends, and for what? A new recording room? Less work? To fanboy over the role-model I had a year or two ago, turned into a close friend?

My face, screeching in internal pain, morphs into one of surprise when I hear knocking on my white door.

My blood freezes over, veins desperate to get oxygen flowing again. There’s no way I’m hyperventilating with him no more than ten yards away from me.

Why is he approaching me? What is going on? Did he hear me? Does he suspect me? Oh god, what if he knows already somehow? What if-

“Hey man, are you up?” Mark's voice called in a sleepy tone, causing me to turn my focus back onto the Korean man behind the thin door, still locked from last night. “I just need to talk to you before breakfast if your up, you don’t have to get up if your still taking refuge in that bed though. Your day doesn’t start for while anyway. I’m probably rambling to myself right now…” the plume of his voice lowered until it was no more than a whisper, seemingly unsure of its words. A few second later, the person started off to the kitchen.

I slowly breath in through my nose and out my mouth, like the experts tell me constantly. I have to calm down before I die at this rate.

That wouldn’t be a bad way to go, the pain would be horrible though.

Not like you don’t deserve pain.

Feeling numb at this point, I lie on my back for a couple of minutes.

It's okay, I repeat to myself. It’s going to be okay, my predicament could always be worse…

And Mark was right, too. Our routine was ever adaptive, only strict on what we have to do. I mainly edit and record myself, and I know Mark is fine of practicing German and playing guitar.  
When I was moving in, Mark was really considerate to me, firmly telling me that he could do editing himself is something were to come up. I had to assure him that I wasting with the arrangement, I still had time. That’s the beauty of the life of a YouTuber, you can set up your day according to what you want, not what some slip from a boss commands of you.

I knew I had to get up soon, so I checked my phone again.

5:10 am

Yeah, if I get up now, it would be understandable. 

Deciding that it’s better to face the Asian man's questioning sooner rather than later, I rise up and make my way out the barrier between my safe zone and the outside world.


	2. Another Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer has arrived...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, It's been forever, I've turned into one of those writers...Please forgive me. I wrote a whole short story for this one chapter, but then decided to scrape all of it...so after months of Softball and the 2nd semester of school making me procrastinate over writing this, all of a sudden I had an epiphany and went "OMG I WANNA WRITE THAT". I knew reading Hetalia fanfiction would give me inspiration!(I didn't know, but hey it happened. Yay!) So, after 3 hours, here I am:).  
> Oh, and btw - If you ever want to write on this site, or have always questioned why some stories have weird fronting and stuff, take it from me 'cause I just learned this the hard way: DON'T BLAME THE WRITER. This site, though dear to my heart, gives me grief whenever I try to make my paragraphs look appealing. Though, then again, I'm not too good at coding...either way, just wanted to point that out. I know you people wanted it so bad, and I do too, so here it is finally! Here you go, my faithful readers!
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading~

_Summer 2017 ___

__“Oh my god, I can’t wait to put that vid up,” Ethan mumbled delightedly to himself, reaching over his desk to turn off his camera. I’ll call this one ‘Back from Tour!’ or something like that. It’s been such a good summer so far. No incidents, had an amazing road trip on the Markiplier tour, everything’s just…amazing. The feeling simply can’t be described in words.  


He settled into work mode for a bit then, editing on the recording hopefully being as little as possible to make the message as realistic as possible. Jump cuts equal editing, editing equals the presumption of something being left out of the final picture, things being left out in this kind of video equal not being an open book to my wonderful community. I wouldn’t dare do that to them, especially after this crazy adventure with the rest of the crew. Even more so when I remind myself it’s because of them I’ve had a non-wavering smile plastered on my face ever since sitting next to Amy in the back seat of the car, starting the famous, sold-out journey of the Markiplier Tour.  


It was getting late, so I quickly post the now slightly-edited video after about twenty minutes tops of work up to my YouTube channel. I’m a happy blue boy, but a tired one, even though it’s still somewhat early. Bed time, here I come.  


Sighing, I travel across my new apartment to find my shining bathroom, where I have spent many a night playing different versions of Candy Crush while doing my business.  


Entering, I do the usual – take shower, brush teeth, stare in the mirror for ten or so minutes seeing how awful my acne has gotten over tour (though the audience probably loved it,) and taking off the concealer I had for the day.  


It got so much easier to hide the lines when I got my own place, though hiding it during the tour was pretty rough. Never got caught though. Never.  
Better stay that way.  


Once done, I lazily stepped back to my room, still in high spirits despite the tiny reminder. Phone in my hand, I planned to go through social media while waiting for the sleepiness to conquer me eventually. It had been nice too – that’s what I’ve been doing in my tiny, coffin-like bed on the tour bus for the past week-and-a-half, and it always felt nice. I mean, I usually did it before tour, but the tour reminded me of this world’s new advantages, being the people that care for me dearly are either on this little hand-held device in my hand, or mere inches away on the cubbies beneath and beside me. Well, now they’re a couple of miles away, but still.  


I’m bombarded by love for the shows – especially the last on, in Detroit, as the fangirls have already memorialized Mark and I hugging at the end. Even if they proved that is Septiplier even was dead (WHICH ITS NOT I SWEAR…that video made me choose that position, can’t take it back now…), Crankiplier, or whatever it was, was not leaving. Or Tythan...shippers will always remain here…I shouldn’t dwell on that though. I have other things to well on – better not add my little lack of privacy to the bundle.  


Feeling my eyes droop, I feel like it’s time to settle down my phone and sink into the bed, sleeping finally, as I’ve not given myself time to relax in quite a while at this point, though all for good reasons. With that happy though, the beautiful world fades away, in full hopes for tomorrow. 

___Mark’s POV ____ _

______Falling over on the little pile of stuff Bob, Wade and I had left from the tour, my youthful face meets the hard ground of my driveway, to the despair of the two men standing behind me, assorting the stuff in question. It’s been an easy process, getting the leftover belongings from the tour bus for further use, being left only with our small bags and other miscellaneous things. Even then, the others already took their stuff from Mark’s pile, leaning only the three grown men’s bags left. The guys just handed our stuff to us onto the pavement of my property, then left, as they had other work to accomplish. Everyone got their stuff and went to their respectful homes, leaving us with few bags to carry into Mark’s residence with only Mark, Bob and Wade staying there for now. Even as we were about to be done with this easy, carefree task, I fall flat on my face for no good reason. It’s moments like these I am thankful for not being an engineer…and also that I’m a silly YouTuber, so everyone somewhat expects that of me. At least it’s another thing to keep the masses laughing at my life, giving me a good paycheck by now. It’s not a bad thing particularly, it’s really just a thing I can tell myself when I do something stupid. Then be full of regrets for the next couple of seconds.  


“Are you okay, pal?” Bob asks, tone being in the middle of making a joke or being genuine. From his voice, though, it’s more genuine. I’ve had plenty of ‘Bob training’ over the years, to be honest. I loved all of them, and they even become useful in times like these.  


“I’m aright, Bob. I’m a manly man that can fend for himself,” raising my muscles as the running joke goes, receiving a mere eye-role from the Lord Memeion himself. I retaliated playfully to that motion, teasing back, “Hey! I may be a stupid asshole that thinks I’m better than everyone, which I totally am by the way, but at least I care about others when they fall embarrassingly on their face! Like this good, holy and saint-like Bob right here! You disrespect the hurt unlike this great prophet Bob, and I’m so ashamed of you!” I chuckle a bit at my extensive word choice, as he bites back, “Oh, really? I think if Tyler can burp better than you, which has been proven multiple times, you are not the manly man you think you are!” We all had grins on our faces now – and more shots to take to each other too.  


Bob put a hand on Wade’s shoulder mockingly. Looking deep into his eyes, he spoke calmly. Oh god, the master of comedy at it again. “Uhh, to be fair, Mark DID beat Ethan at hand-wrestling the other day.”  


It continues on for a little bit, us having a good time hanging out (read: demoralizing one another) before carrying our stuff inside, when Bob gets a call from Mandy. Rushing off to have a conversation with his wife, saying a quick little ‘goodbye’ and ‘be out again to help out soon!’ somewhere in there as he made his way into the Fischback’s house, Wade sighed as well.  


“I probably should call Molly tonight too, she’ll want to talk again.” He then made a step towards his stuff, when I stopped him short by a few feet. It was sort-of late (yay procrastination), and if he wanted to have a pleasant chat with her, now’s the time.  


“Nah, I can bring the rest of the bags in – talk to your wife. It’s fine.”  


Wade looked unsure of my decision, obviously thinking it’s unfair for me to be carrying it all in by myself without him or Bob’s help. Although reluctantly, after the little staring we did to each other, he backed down, turning his back on me for a moment to walk inside.  


“See you inside, Markimoo.” He waved a bit at me, and I waved back as he went away, getting out his phone from his jeans pocket as he did so. 

____ _ _

______Seeing the screen door close behind him, he went to making the first of two-to-three trips into and out of the house for their belongings. A few minutes later, he had only one item to bring in left on the concrete - the thing that he obviously tripped over before.  


The Bus’s trash – ah. That makes sense. The trash was knocked over by the trash, hahaha.  


His foot apparently made a little hole, resulting in some things getting out of the big plastic bag. Cursing, I just got another spare bag and threw the rest in it.  
Candy wrappers…plastic wrappings…hair stuff…and concealer.  


Concealer? Huh, Amy at least said we wouldn’t get up to any funny business on the trip, and I think Kathryn would have made a similar deal with Tyler. Other than that, who would need that?  


Looking at the labels more closely, it clearly read ‘male concealer’ as well…  


Then I realized that concealer could also be used for acne. I mean, I thought he was using the mask-thingy as always, but I guess maybe for the show he wanted to do extra precautions?  


I shook my head at that thought, concluding that to be the case. It’s not like it’s really important anyways. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to yell at me in the comments! See you there, have a wonderful day/night/high noon/life/etc.
> 
> EDIT: THANK YOU tealTangerine for correcting my mistake with Kathryn's name! I'm fixing it now!


	3. What

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a regular day of summer for some good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it hasn't been (more than) 1-2 months! I had a plot bunny hit me in the head again after I got tired of the disappointment I felt in my heart every time one of you lovely people commented "Omg I want more where is it?" So here it is! Without further ado, Happy reading~

**Ethan’s POV**

Better.

It’s getting way, way, way better.

One month of happiness, wonderful!

I’m at Mark’s place right now, just chilling with the crew. It’s going amazing – no one’s creating awkwardness, we’re all laughing at jokes thrown around the room, and Chica’s there for anyone who isn’t a huge component in the conversation going on. 

For now, I have Chica lying in my lap, sleepy from a long day. I’m relaxed on the couch next to Mark, stroking her fur every so often. Nothing wrong with the atmosphere here. 

As the end of the night rolls around, I get a sudden text from Jack, of all people. I quietly grab my phone from my pocket and see what it is, though a part of me was scared. He’s in Brighton, which means it must be 4 am there…what is he telling me? What is so important?

From: Jack

Sorry dude, we can’t collab tomorrow.

That’s all he had to say to me? I’m not mad at all, but why did he tell me this so early in the morning? Did something happen?

I didn’t realize I was staring at my phone for a bit until Mark suddenly shook my shoulder. “You millennials these days, glued to Tumblr. What are you doing?” I must have had a serious expression as well, for Mark joke didn’t quite reach his brown eyes.

I sighed, blinking. “Nothing, just that Jack cancelled our collab for tomorrow. He texted me just now.” He nods in understanding, then stands up and stretches. “Kay guys, I need my beauty sleep. Do you wanna head out soon?”

The rest of the room, full of the likes of Tyler, Amy, and Kathryn get on board with the idea, Tyler yawning in appreciation. It takes me a bit longer to get up from the couch, for my heart won’t allow me to just shrug off Chica without a proper farewell. I get up eventually, though, and go to leave Mark’s apartment. We all go our separate ways then, and I go back to my cozy apartment a couple of miles away. I don’t get my mind off of that text for the next couple of days.

 

**Mark’s POV**

As Tyler leaves behind Ethan, I wave to him and close the door silently. Something’s up.

That something is Jack – he’s up at fucking dawn. I wouldn’t be concerned normally, but he has always had the decency to not wake people up unless it was for their sake when texting. He texted Ethan that early – they were supposed to collab tomorrow morning, aka Jack’s afternoon. Ethan told me about it before – he said they were both excited. What changed? Why couldn’t he say this earlier today?

I check my phone, feeling that it was a good time to check what little notifications I had. Of course, I see that Jack texted me.

From: Jack

im really sorry if I woke you up, but can we talk?

I frown at that statement, and immediately go to reply. 

From: Mark

Sure dude, skype?

It takes a minute or two for him to respond. I use that time to sit in the same spot Ethan was sitting at before, on the couch, when they were here to hang out. Chica, despite her sleepiness, leaps up to my lap, thankfully not spilling the fresh cup of tea in my left hand. A few seconds later, I hear my phone vibrate.

From: Jack

If you want to. Fair warning though, Im a mess.

I pet Chica more at the thought, and go back to my phone’s keyboard.

From: Mark

Sure, calling you now. If there’s something wrong, don’t hold back. You’re safe with me.

A second later, I’m calling him on his skype. I can tell he’s afraid to respond somehow – that brings a cold shiver down my spine. What is happening? How bad is it?

He answers the call, and I hate what I’m seeing on the other side of the screen.

Jack is lying in a bed, tear tracks painted on his face. He might not even be in his house right now, his surroundings certainly don’t look like Jack’s residence. He’s trying to not make a sound, but I can hear his wheezing and crying from a mile away – it’s one of the most heartbreaking sounds I’ve ever heard in my life. He needs someone, and for some reason he chose me. I bet Felix and PJ know about it as well, or at least would have been more ideal, so why is he calling me for my help?

“Are you all right? Talk to me Sean, you know you can.” He looks like he’s trying to speak but can’t – after a few seconds more to get himself together, he starts talking. 

“I’m not okay, I’m really not okay…my feelings just hit hard, I really need something to get my mind off of everything…” He stops, watching me to see how I react. His voice is raspy, like he’s been sobbing for hours.

I’m quick to react, deciding to take a risk and ask the dreaded question. I make my voice quieter, more comforting than usual. People say that’s my specialty, may as well use it now if they’re correct. “…I hate to ask right now, as you don’t want to think about it…but what happened?”

The Irishman just closes his eyes for a few moments, obviously preparing himself to start explaining.  
“My older brother…he got admitted to a hospital four hours ago…he shot himself in the head last night.”

 

**Ethan’s POV**

It’s 5 am.

I wake up to my phone basically shouting at me, so I made social media my first priority. To my surprise, it’s magically from every single online account I have, all dating in the range of about 4 hours ago to now. I even have my notifications off for some of the sites – still, a lot of youtubers and friends suddenly wanted to contact me, to inform me of something. Diss track? Video that contains me? Another youtube conspiracy about Felix? I look to the messages, and find myself asking the exact same questions afterwards.

Ethan, what happened?

Omg Ethan why did Mark make that video?!?

What’s going on, Ethan?

I’m worried for Markimoo, Ethan! I’m worried for, like, everyone now! Is everything okay?

Now worried sick by these messages, I look to YouTube to see Mark’s most recent activity. 

At 1 am this morning, he uploaded a video called “My Friend Almost Lost a Friend.”

 

 

 

And in the description, all it says is “Confirmed – My friend lost a friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I got the idea and just rolled with it! Did not expect to write that at all! Just a small note - I'm saying nothing about Jack's family or anything like that, this is a fanfiction, obviously I write about people because I have respect and admiration for them. Just wanted to not come across as a complete unsympathetic jerk on here. It's 1 am as I'm writing this, so I'll leave it there! Thank you for reading, have a good (insert time period here)!
> 
> (Anyone who knows where I got the title from gets my extra-special magical invisible limited-edition Wowie T-shirt)


	4. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan isn't the only one suffering again, now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness.....look at that! One of you lovely people give me a wonderful comment, and here I am! After going on a ten-minute hunt for my laptop and then realizing I'd need to wait two hours for it to charge, then starting at one am...done! Hopefully it isn't trash:) Happy reading~

**Ethan’s POV**

It’s been a whole week. Both Jack and Mark have taken a break from the media, Mark going as far as to not reply to anyone on anything. Whether it be call, text, or physical knocks to his apartment door, he won’t come out to see the world.

I feel so bad for him. Jack informed me personally what happened two days afterward, despite me telling him that it would be fine if I was kept in the dark on this clearly personal issue. I already knew something was off in my daily life when Mark uploaded that terrifying late-night video forever ago – that was the last time anyone has seen him before locking himself inside his home-like prison.

Standing outside his apartment complex, I jingle my keys in nervousness. With the crisp morning air making me shiver in my new denim jacket around me, I look at Tyler, who had just swung open the big glass doors to the building. With a bag disguising a med kit hanging on my covered arm, I go to step in.

“Let’s go, Ethan,” the tall man said to me, “Mark needs us. We gave him alone time, he can’t be alone anymore.”

The journey up to the other YouTuber’s apartment was a blur – I couldn’t get my mind off of the call Tyler got mere hours before now. Tom, Mark’s older brother, was worried about him after him and his moms’ skype calls weren’t getting through for a whole week. Then they messaged Jack their condolences, and he replied a bit later with a remark asking to check out Mark, since he ‘looks tired and had been checking up on me every second he’s awake.’ Since Jack rarely over exaggerated, the family contacted us to check up on them as soon as we could.

I was the closest one to come with Tyler to do the inevitable right now, I had to comfort him, this is so hard for him because of his guilty conscience about the Cyndago mess…

How am I supposed to comfort a man, a being, a friend, about that? How? I’m the biggest coward, useless, incompetent hypocrite if I try to stop this disease that’s plaguing Mark – the disease that I’m one heartbeat away from spreading myself.

The scars underneath my conveniently new jacket sting a bit at the thought – that drags me out of my loathing, making my mind focus on the door in front of me. 

Tyler approached first, us both agreeing earlier in the car that he may be able to handle the situation easier, considering their longer history. I was not far behind, however, for the whole point of bringing me was to help in case something happened. Before I could hate my decision to come to this event, Tyler banged politely on the door; politely, but with more force than usual. We both didn’t know how to approach this, I really hope this won’t end up in flames.

There was no answer for some time – Tyler knocked on the solid door once again. Out of nowhere, a hoarse voice blatantly answered, “Go away please, guys.”

This surprised both of us, and somehow I found my voice for the first time since the car ride here. “Please Mark, it’s been a week. If you need more time, we’ll go away, but we just want to see if you’re okay.” Tyler gave me a nod, liking what I said. I was not so sure, but I guess it was the right thing to say, since the great Markiplier slowly opened the door in front of us.

His figure came into my sight, and was saddened by what I saw. Nothing was very wrong with him physically-heath-wise, thankfully, but his overall demeanor looked dead. His eyes drooped, he was leaning on his left leg, he couldn’t look at us directly, more interested in the floor instead. He was wearing no socks, just plain sweatpants, and his hair was not well-taken care of. With a pang of both relief and self-hatred due to my past, I also saw him wearing a regular short-sleeved T-shirt.

“How’s it going?” He tried to be genuine in a smile, but it quickly unraveled at the bitter attempt. Knowing we all saw this, he completely bowed his head. “I knew someone would come up here eventually.” He then gestured us inside the apartment with a weak hand gesture, and we slowly entered the apartment.

 

We have now been sitting for a couple of minutes – Mark had been silent this whole time, in the other room, preparing tea. It’s hard to believe that just a week ago this room had been full of happiness; now it was full of the dense air of sadness. The whole place had not changed a single bit in the week physically, but I could have sworn that the air was sucked out of it, being replaced with some cruel, toxic fume that could kill if it had enough time.

How did Mark survive this? 

He built it, really.

He finally came back with drinks for us, and we politely thanked him as he sat right next to Chica on the couch. He sat on the opposite side of the room, still not looking at us, instead having his attention go to the pup in his lap. Chica wasn’t as hyper as she had been a week ago, either.

I didn’t want to say anything first, due to my overwhelming emotions desire to be heard whenever I speak at this point. Shockingly, Mark answered my prayers at last.

“I know I have to talk. That’s how I deal with these things. But I promised to talk to Jack if need be today, so if he calls-“

“He won’t be calling you,” I said during his sentence, by pure instinct for his sake. I did not want to continue, but my mouth disagreed with me as usual. “He’s actually part of the crew who told us to come here. He says you need a break from being a guy to lean on, and frankly, I agree with that too.”

As I admitted that last line, his eyes immediately went downcast. His phone popped up from his pocket.

“Mark, give me the phone.” I stare at Tyler, who had given the command to the Asian man. When there was no response on the other side of the room, my tall friend fought the air and traveled his way to the seat right next to Mark, the side opposite to Chica. He then made a motion towards the phone, appearing from my angle to not see the screen, and Mark jumped back in peril. The two older men had an eye conversation then – and by the end, Mark had given up the device to Tyler.

Once it was gone, Mark’s facade went downhill fast. Soon, the two friends hugged, and I now registered the dreaded sounds coming from the now crying man. He looked so utterly broken – and all I could do is sit and watch like the horrible friend I was.

Tyler was now encouraging him softly in a voice I could barely hear, but as I strained to hear it, I could make out the words spoken. 

“It’s okay, let it out,” Tyler comforted to the sad man, patting him on the back, “He will be fine, you are not the only pillar he has.”

“I know I’m not.” He was choking out words with a big struggle, but he went through with them, as if his life depended on it. His grip on Tyler got noticeably tighter as well, sticking to him as a life force almost.

“I just have to know he’s okay…I’m not losing anyone else…I can’t…I will do anything in my power to stop people from leaving this beautiful world…I need to…”

I race to his bathroom, suddenly out of breath. With a quiet excuse of finding tissues, I went in, dragged my pocket knife on my skin three tiny times, wrapped it up in the emergency supplies from the bag I still had on my arm as I ran in here, found tissues and exited the bathroom. Reality was still as it was before; unclear and painful.

Mark’s more important right now. 

And I’m such a horrible, awful, terrific monstrosity of a human being. No, I’m less than a human being. My disease is why Mark is suffering. I’m the reason why Mark is suffering. And with my existence, there is nothing anyone can do to get cure him from it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for sadness, what can I say? Once again, one little comment made me write this withing four hours of reading it, so I would love for people to force me to write more! This system's awesome!!! Anyway, enough of my talk, have a happy life:)


	5. I Can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I _can't_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive!!! I'm sorry for leaving you bro's hanging! I'm going camping in four hours, and afterwards I must start think about all of those Summer assignments still unfinished...so I don't know whether I will disappear again. Worry not, though! I ain't leaving forever. That would be _awful_.
> 
> Anyways, I've fixed the whole misspelling with Kathryn, thank you tealTangerine again!!! And Happy reading~

Ethan’s POV

We stayed there for the day and later that night, talking about random things to get our minds off of the overarching reality we’ve now been living in for over a week now. No one caught me yet – we all had woken up an hour ago, and in a quick moment of inspiration we collabed again. It was good content, so Mark will upload it to his channel after editing later today. We all are saying our farewells, since we had to return to our respected homes eventually. Amy is coming here later today anyway, and we didn’t want to intrude on their time.

Mark held Tyler one last time, then it was my turn. 

“Thanks for coming over, Ethan,” Mark said, newfound happiness somewhat radiating off of him. He woke up regenerated this morning – he was starting to become our happy, non-plagued, natural Mark Fischbach again. I was so thankful that this helped him, even if Tyler did the noticible steps in the operation. “I don’t know what I’d do without my BFF.”

My expression became puzzled at the statement, which made me inquire, “BFF?”

He chuckled a bit, filling me with hope, then answered. “Back-Flip Friend, duh!” He then playfully shoved me a bit towards the door, and with a wave and a “See you later pals,” we were out the door. Tyler and I made our way down to the car in comfortable silence, knowing everything would be okay with Mark one day. Not now, but one day, possibly sooner than later. Tyler when he came up to the block where my apartment sat, he turned to me.

“Hey, I got work after this, can you tell Jack we successfully made sure Mark was alright?” By the time he finished the sentence, I grabbed the one bag I brought from the space holding my feet – the medical bag – and was climbing out. I turned to my friend and assured him I would once I got to my place, and soon after I was all alone, walking into the building.

I found myself on my couch no more than fifteen minutes after the assurance, and texted Jack in the friendliest way I could.

From: Ethan  
To: Jack

Hey Jack, I’m sorry if I bothered you, but Tyler and I wanted to let you know that Mark is okay. We saw him alive and really down, but I’m sure he’s going to get better. I hope you are too;)

One I pressed send, I realized my fatal mistake – I clicked on the wrong key, showing the wink instead of a clean, happy smile. Uhhh…  
Before I could correct my mistake, however, I got a skype call. Surprisingly, from my dad. I answer immediately, knowing this was probably a check-up on how I was doing. 

I smile and wave. “Hey dad, what’s up?”

My father, Mark Nestor, smiled back. Something was off, though. “Hello there, just…I thought it was a good time to chat. I heard what happened, when I checked Jack’s twitter randomly today…”

My smile fell flat as well, forgetting he also followed my YouTube friends somewhat. Well, it has been a week and then some. Makes sense. But I don’t want another talk. This call is another one of those talks, I’m sure of it.

“Yeah,” I say, then think about what’s about to transpire between us. “I’m helping him out a bit online, I’m just thankful he has people that can help him out.”

A soft thud came from his end, and I saw my little buddy join my dad on his couch. Dexter licked his hand, and I almost smiled. Almost. Then he spoke again.

“You sure you got the hang of things back there? If you need to talk, I’m all ears. You have a big problem with talking stuff out, and I can tell you have something swirling up there in your head right now.”

_This conversation,_ I said to myself. “Well, it all works out in the end anyway. If anything’s happening, I’ll tell you. I’ve always told you.”

He still looked suspicious. Of course he was. “Yes, you did tell me eventually: it only took you one hundred and twenty two days of skipping 6th period to hang out with Andrew at the pizza place to open up to your best friend. One hundred and twenty one days of promising yourself to tell another soul the same thing you tell yourself: _I need help._ ”

I sigh, letting out the deep breath I was keeping. Only Andrew knew about the real damage – the man I was talking to now only knew the mental toll. “Then I told you.”

His eyes were accusing me, displaying his hatred for this subject just as much as me. But for slightly different reasons. “Correct, but Andrew had to drag you to the living room that day. You couldn’t leave your room that whole weekend.”

Eyes shutting, I remembered everything. I don’t like remembering everything. The world gets fuzzy, reality bends in front of my spotted vision. This needs to end. Right now. ASAP. I can’t. I can’t. Please stop. 

Everything. The promise I had made to myself that I could only fulfil two and a half years after I made it. His face when they found out. Everyone’s face when they found out. I don’t want that ever again. Never again. _I can’t do this._

“…Ethan, I’m really sorry to bring that up. Do you want to call me back tomorrow? I need to be somewhere soon anyway. Do you want to go? I know you need your space-“

“Yes please, thanks dad!” I rushed out that sentence, which I know for a fact is very telling of my reaction, but at the moment I didn’t care. I waved and forced a smile, much quicker than before, and ended the horrid chat.

Sprinting to my bathroom, I do it again. As many cuts as I did the night before I told Andrew. The most I’d ever done at that point. At the last slash, both the metal and my phone outside of this room ringed. Not bothering to clean myself up out of self-hatred, I get out of the bathroom and find my phone laying right where I dropped it, onto my desk. I read the message, now hating my decision.

From: Jack  
To: Ethan

Sorry I didn’t check my phone sooner! Thanks for telling me, I’m glad he’s not breaking himself for my sake…Do you want to skype rn? The funeral is in two hours…I have to leave in twenty minutes.

… _Fuck._

If course it was today, I’m an asshole for forgetting. And I’m not even cleaned up medically. I have to be there for him here – cleaning everything will cost a lot of time. Away from his venting.

I race again to my room, slip on a hoodie, and text him as I collapse onto my bed. 

From: Ethan   
To: Jack

Sure, calling you rn

I take a few seconds, however, to get a good breath of air. _It’s covered. No one will know. Just get his mind off of everything. Get your own mind off everything in the process. Okay._

I click the button, and I’m greeted with Jack downcast on is couch. “Hey, dude.”

I wasn’t at my best either, and he could tell from that short statement. “Hey! So…My new therapist told me to talk to someone today, and Mark’s heard enough….so I’m here. She’s a nice women, so I thought I would follow her advice. What’s up with you?”

_They’re always nice in the beginning, Jack,_ I told him mentally. _But they don’t do anything after you tell them everything. You feel free from the weight on your heart for a short while, but then you realize the weight on your heart doesn’t matter in the long run. It will always hurt. It will never let go of the feeling of that weight. Talking only makes people aware of that weight, and gives you some balloons to keep it upright. Therapy’s good. It’ll probably make you okay. It didn’t for me. ___

__Keeping this to myself, I make myself look cheerful. My wrists twitched – I felt the blood moving around in my sleeve. “Cool! So…Uncharted is coming! I really hope its good…”_ _

__We chatted for fifteen minutes, both of us briefly forgetting our problems. I sit my phone onto the wall in front of where I was sitting in a diagonal position, for my arms to stay under the desk. Eventually, we made a running joke about what they both truly bonded over – pineapple on pizza._ _

__“I can imagine someone subscribed to us, taking a selfie with a pizza with pineapple on it!” Jack was laughing hysterically, almost falling of his on chair._ _

__I instantly got up, phone in hand, to reenact the scene. “Okay! So, omg, Ethan, you’re gonna LOVE this post, it’s your favorite pizza!” I spin a few times on camera to be totally kawaii, and then put the camera’s focus back on me. “My face is made of pineapples on pizza!”_ _

__I move my hand to place my hone back where it was, laying on the wall._ _

__I forgot to keep my arm from tilting, as to stop the blood from dripping down to my hand._ _

__When a few drops come to my hand before I sit down, one reaching the screen before I could move my finger away from Jack’s view._ _

__Before Jack could react fully, as I know for a fact he saw both my face and the liquid, I was already turning off the call._ _

__“WAIT ETHA-“_ _

__I turned the call, and my phone completely off._ _

__“Bye Jack,” I say to myself, numbness returning, barely feeling the huge weight that just came to me. I couldn’t react at all. “I talked, dad –“I let a tear roll down my cheek, my heart starting to burst. “…I just let my pain do the talking this time. Is it sad that this isn’t the first time this has happened? I really should die before the third time rolls around. This can’t happen again. It can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, another mispelling? Should I be doing Algebra instead of this? Tell me! I beg for attention...sorry guys...
> 
> Have a nice life:)


	6. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world is full of blue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yup, last chapter! Suprise, suprise! Well, here we are! Thank you all for reading this up till now, I cannot believe at the time I am writing this not we almost have 2000 HITS on this work. LIke, oh my god! What? How did this happen? Oh my god. So, I will be having another chapter about how I wrote this work (It was super fun!), but this is the last chapter of the actual story:) I know, we're all crying. I'm explain more in the next chapter why everything is how it is. But for now, have a nice life:)  
> And, for the last time, 
> 
> Happy reading~

**Ethan’s POV**

Next time I faze to consciousness, I find myself lying comfortably on my mattress. I’m not on the ground, or sprawled on a chair, to both my relief and my horror. On one hand, I’m not waking up with a neck cramp, and I’m not dying. 

On the other hand, this also meant someone moved him there from the floor. Someone saw the phone. Someone saw the blood. Someone, I just now realized, changed my hoodie, and put bandages on my arms. Someone saw everything. Well, no. Two people did. Who’s in my apartment?

Finding that nothing hurt to an unbearable rate, I swiftly climb out of bed, making a beeline to my closet first and foremost. I felt naked without a sweatshirt at this point. Then I saw that someone had cleaned my phone and put it right beside me, and there was a fold-up chair on the other side of the bed. Someone was treating me? How long was I out?

Charging out of my room, I was furious with life. Not with the person, no, they’re just trying to help. I’m mad at how the world wants to help, but I don’t want any. I’m mad everyone else could be doing better things with their lives, but instead they waste their time on the care of me. _I’m better! Everyone’s said that! I don’t need more help! I got some and now it’s time for me to deal with my mind by my own! I just have a little too much blue in my heart, alright? I’ll fix it! I’ll fix me! I get happiness from the world doing cool stuff, not from them stopping that stuff to help me! Why doesn’t anyone understand that?_

I somehow got to the living room, and of course, I see Tyler on my couch, reading a Game of Thrones book.

I stand there for a while, wondering when he will notice that I was in the room with him – he looks pretty invested. I should talk…..what do I say? 

I get a little closer; we were at complete opposite sides of the room. I’m surprised he hasn’t heard my footsteps, until I remember that there’s carpeting under my feet. “…Tyler?”

I don’t know what I was expecting honestly – a shock from being pulled out of the book, anger for everything, something.

He didn’t do any of that. He blinked a few times, and directed his eyes to mine. With a smile that did not at all look real, he made a small wave with his hand. “Hey Ethan! Just wanted to dro-“

I cut him off, anger filling my senses. “WHY ARE YOU HERE?” 

Startled, my friend put his hands up. “I thought you wanted your keys back. You left them in the car when you only brought the med bag in with you when I drove you home two days ago. I should ask how you got in here, when I had your keys.”

Damn it. I wasn’t focusing on anything that morning, I must’ve not locked my apartment. I’m that messed up.....Wait, did I hear him correctly? “Two days ago?”

He nodded, looking down again to place a bookmark in the book. “Yeah, you’ve been asleep for twenty four hours, bud.”

I sense my eyes widening dimly, as I stepped back. “When did you get here?”

“Three hours after you ended that call with Jack.”

We get into awkward silence for a minute, neither of us knowing what to say. Tyler stood up and approached me, then – I broke into a run right after, out of the apartment before Tyler could stop me. 

 

I’m running somewhere. I don’t recognize anything, I don’t process anything, the world is a blur. Just run. Run where nothing can find me. Yes, that sounds about right.

When I physically can’t run anymore, I collapse onto whatever the ground is – it’s concrete, I learn that only by how my knees hurt on impact. I try to take a look around, and I only see darkness and a big, green blob. I must be outside…but what’s the green thing, then?

_Who cares._

I sit there and think for what seems like hours on end, when all of a sudden I hear distant footsteps, and a deep voice calling my name. I try to wipe off the tears before the stranger found me, but found that when I got rid of the tears more would flow, so I just gave up and waited for their arrival.

“Holy shit, Ethan, you’re here?!?”

I look up immediately, now recognizing that voice, and feeling stupid that I didn’t recognize it before – Mark pulled me into a hug right as my head turned. He was in the state of panic, he knew from the way Mark twitched in his arms. Was he really looking all over for me?

Mark was not done talking. “Where have you been? One second I’m just about to go to bed, about two hours ago, and the next Tyler calls up needing someone to calm you own! And find you, in this city! I’ve searched every park bench for you! And those bastards didn’t tell me what the fuck happened to you, so I just assumed the worst! Are you hurt? Are you okay? Are you hun-“

“Mark, please stop talking.” I pull away from the hug, mind reeling over everything once more. I have to tell him? Seriously? _WHY AM I STILL ALIVE._

The other man shut up immediately, going to sit down beside me. Apparently, I was right next to a wall, apparently; I took this as my chance to see where I was. Turns out, I’m right outside my apartment complex, next to the big green garbage bin I used to throw out stuff every few days. _Why did my subconscious come here?_

Mark sighed. “Do you want me to talk, or…”

“Yes.”

He continued. “On topic, or off?”

“Off, please.” I hated how my voice cracked, and he noticed it as well, so he took that as a sign to start taking. With a deep breath, he began – somehow, I knew, even before he started, that this would be a really personal story.

“So, when I was little, I moved once, right before middle school began. We were scheduled to leave our old house at the worst possible day ever, though – September first, one day before middle school life started for me. I would go to the new house, unpack, sleep, wake up, and start at a brand new school. Just like that.

“I knew it would happen for a while. I knew the exact date – I triple-checked my bags, the little school supplies we could afford for me, went to my family for comfort, but that never stopped me from having heart attacks every time the subject came up. I had four months to prepare – enough time physically, but not enough mentally. So, the closer I got to September first and second, the more I just wanted the world to stop. One part of me just wanted to move, to get on with life, and moving would certainly help my family; but another side of me, while hating what life had become at this house, didn’t want to leave that constant in my life. Does that make any sense?”

I nodded weakly, knowing he saw it. 

“Okay. So, then, my amazing friend saved me. On August twenty-ninth, my friend called me up. His family was in a much better financial situation than mine; his dad owned a small boat, along with a dock on the water, about an hour drive away. They invited me for a ride, scheduled for the morning of the move.

“So my dad drove me to the dock, the sky just beginning to turn a light shade of blue when we neared our destination. We weren’t in the greatest of moods either; he and Mom were having an argument when I woke up.

“So we got there, and when I saw my friend and his dad, I said goodbye to him and went with them onto the boat. The plan was to drive for an hour, under all of the bridges, and then find a small little beach for the three of us to swim near. They brought chips and drinks and this little tiny radio and everything – that was _so much fun._ I still consider that as one of the best days of my whole life. Just on the beach, doing nothing but talking about stupid shit like how dumb that hip-hop station was.” The man chuckled out loud, remembering. “The sunrise was so beautiful – the blue sky was so clear, changing into a bunch of oranges and reds and yellows, until I saw the sun, Lion King style. I forgot all of my troubles, all of my worries, my fears of school and my family breaking and my life changing – that was the blue sky, slowly falling away. And I realized that…those warm colors wouldn’t be warm at all without that cool blue there. I wouldn’t have been as happy as I was sitting next to my friend if I was living the best life ever. And I thought to myself, for what seemed like the first time in my life, _everything’s going to be okay._ And for the first time...I really believed that statement.

“Then, after five amazing hours, we packed up and went back. I started school, cooled down by the day before, and I was right.”

This whole time, he was looking down to his lap – now, his head turned up to me, smiling wide. “Ethan, everything’s gonna be alright.”

A smile formed on my lips as I looked to him as well, my heart lightened by the tale. “This friend must mean a lot to you, then.”

He laughed lightly there, placing his hand on my left shoulder. “Yup! That same friend is also sitting in your apartment, worried sick for you.”

I mockingly gasp, feeling much better than before. “Tyler?”

“Hahaha, yup! Him and I go way back…he was always there when I needed him.”

I think again, going back to the reason why we’re sitting here. “Hey, Mark? I have to tell you something when we get back. With Tyler, though.”

Mark got up from the cool concrete, and when he was standing, he drifted his open hand to mine. “Using that imagery from the boat…life will always have a blue sky. We all need it, we all depend on it, and we all don’t have life without it. Then, you need some kind of light, that morphs that same blue sky in =to bright, fun, joyful colors, that make that life worthwhile. Think about it – you got one step done, now all you need are those colors.”

I like that comparison, despite my hatred for inspirational quotes. This one felt…explained. Like it’s real. And it sort of is, in a way. I grabbed his opened hand and stand up, feeling capable for walking for the first time in an eternity. “So, I need this blue?” 

Mark and I walk to the front of the building, humbly returning to Tyler. He looks back when we reach the door, holding it out for me. 

“Doesn’t everyone need some blue, Ethan? Don’t make me go through that stupid morale speech again, I’m not the right guy for it. Leave that to the dude upstairs. Come on, I never told him I found you. He might be freaking out right now, and he shouldn’t be.”

“Dude, either way, we’ll be up there in two minutes, tops.” We step into the elevator, now in okay spirits. I’m terrified for the explanation in five minutes, but for these two minutes, I’m as happy as I can be.

“Alright, smart guy, you got a point there. It’s not like it’s really important anyways.”


	7. Thank You

**HetaRosFangirl’s POV:**

Hello! Oh my god, 2000 hits plus?!? WHAT?!?!? Well, this story’s done! My fist Fanfiction, done, just like that! Published January 23rd, 2017, came back every few months, and now after 6 chapters, it’s officially done! Well, this chapter is explaining everything about those questions you had at the end of each chapter, including ‘Where is this author?’, ‘Where did that come from?’ etc.

Well, the very beginning was when my friend came to me in science in 6th grade, looking for advice on what to do with her Jessie fanfiction she wrote for fun. Then I got into Frozen fanfiction online, and that was the first fandom I ever read online fanfiction for. Then, when I was a smol bean and wanted to learn more about what these online writers called a ‘fandom’, I obliviously typed in that word on this video website called YouTube (I know, such an unknown website. Especially for 2013 me.) Found this guy who called himself Danisnotonfire….binged all of his videos…then went on reading Elsa’s adventures online, and then in 7th grade quickly became Hetalia trash with those ff’s. Then, one summer, my other friend, of whom I never saw like ever and was a lot younger than me, told me about this hot new game called Five Nights at Freddy’s. Wasn’t interested. October, 2 years later, I was procrastinating with my HW and remembered that, so I went onto this site and found a mysterious dude yelling into a –lucky flannel? - and I got hooked. Made a hole in my bedroom wall and everything when I jumped in Mark’s episode 3 of his let’s play series of the first game. Then someone wanted to make a small Jack’s B-day appreciation video, and I said ‘I WANNA MAKE A POEM FOR IT’, and I did! In this little rugged book, during a 6 hour car ride! Finally found a friend who loved his FnaF as well, 2 months later, and I said ‘You know what? I wanna write something with Mark in it! And this guy named Ethan, who I just found!’ 

I’m rambling, you can just skip to here if you’re skimming this page.

Got that book and started writing – over the next 2 months, I would write six chapters of this story called ‘Doesn’t Everyone Need Some Blue?’ That friend, now converted to Ethanism, read the first 2 chapters and liked it – so in February I said ‘hey I’ll make an account on somewhere and post it to the world!’

Well…stuff happened. I reread what was in my tiny little book, and to type it all up. And in that time, knowing the full story, I saw so many plot holes…It hurt just reading it. So for 7 hours I revised it and posted it online, finally content with the chapter. And guess what? I did not want to do that again! So after like a billion months of softball season and freshmen year of high school, I said, “Fuck it. Making a new plot.”

And now we’re here! A completely different story and all, and I starting 10th grade in less than 3 days! What? How?

Now, it is pure coincidence this ended up being 6 chapters, the same amount as the ‘original’ in my rugged book laying somewhere. But I’m glad it was, in a way. Paying tribute ;)

I ended this here because it fit well with Mark’s story in the end. That story is a personal one – the day before middle school started, September 1st, my friend (the one that showed my fanfiction for the first time, a year prior), invited me to go with her on her dad’s boat – they live on waterfront property a couple of blocks away from me, and I have never moved, but the sky part was the same. I was terrified of the new school, and that little trip really did calm me. Then, on September 3rd, when I’m writing this, I was so happy she was in one of my classes, and her locker was near mine, and I made new friends, and just…everything was fine. I thought it was a good story to put in, so I did. Thanks, Sherlock :) 

But, most importantly, THANK ALL OF YOU. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. If you think you are not part of that group, you are! Because you made it to the end! You didn’t click out of this story! You read this thing! Thank you! Thank you to each and every guest and user that left kudo’s, each and every user that left an awesome comment, each and every one of you that bookmarked, or subscribed to me, or read another one of my stories, or just read everything and left nothing! Or even only read the first chapter, or not even! Thank you for checking this out! Thank you, future readers out there who are reading this after it’s posted! All of you make me so happy to write, I love this community!!!

Thank you to ALL OF YOU who left kudos/comments:

**Elsa_Land**  
 **ashton_loopy**  
 **be_the_trash**  
 **Septic_Hatter(Mad_Hatter019)**  
 **SabrinaPMP_aka_ME**  
 **tinyskeletonpaws**  
 **mrkipliers**  
 **An_actual_trash_can**  
 **jackmarkdanphil2003** \- ahhh, you’re awesome! Thank you for being here for so long! I hope I delivered! You’re almost-theories/deep thoughts were awesome to read!  
 **5211abby**  
 **FandomTrashAlex**  
 **dianepm**  
 **RatherOblivious**  
 **ThnksFrThMmrs121**  
 **OnionQueen**  
 **Chaotic_Angelsass**  
 **redhotpandas** \- I hope this fanfiction has been a good shook! Thank you! I really hope you’re reading this!!!  
 **YouDonutKnowMe**  
 **thehumanrhythm**  
 **DropsOfStardust**  
 **Galactic—Squid (Grayson2022),**  
 **Chloe_Brownie13**  
 **CodexPhoenix**  
 **0InSAInity0**  
 **joshuajishwaaaa**  
 **Reader33**  
 **soko**  
 **Blackwidowislyfe**  
 **Markiplierfan123**  
 **YondudeUdonta**  
 **WriteItInSharpie**  
 **floraljoseph**  
 **xXfangirl4210Xx**  
 **GlitchSepticEye**  
 **FandomABurr1**  
 **noodle_cup_conspiracy** \- Thank you for loving this, all the way back from Chapter 2! And then still reading it! Wow!  
 **holoitsme** \- You weren’t being too pushy back then, in fact, those pushes got me into finishing this story! So thank you!  
 **HttpGhosty**  
 **NekoEreri**  
 **AnimeQueenFairyTail**  
 **Kittenanimegirl_13** \- Thanks for being here since chapter 2, I’m still so happy I helped make you’re day better all those months ago! I hope you’re reading this!  
 **Munchyturnips**  
 **iluvart1482**  
 **phanhallows**  
 **The_cookie_dies**  
 **theinternetruinedmylife**  
 **Archer_of_the_Dawn_Skies**  
 **NerdyStace**  
 **ElementalGhost**  
 **mapom2**  
 **amixey**  
 **Art33mis**  
 **definitelynotkira**  
 **Darkness0101**  
 **LikeWaterisWet**  
 **SniperOnTheRoof**  
 **NeonWonderfire**  
 **Plz_Humor_My_Ships** \- My first review came from you! You’re awesome! Thank you for being with me through this whole story, if you’re reading this :)  
 **Creatively___Jackaboy**  
 **emmakate98**  
 **Houhou** \- You are from chapter 1! Oh my god, it’s been forever since then! Thank you for waiting so long for that chapter 2! (I hope you’re reading this still ;)  
 **TerkaZ** \- If you’re here right now, thank you so much for looking into chapter 1!  
 **Stars** \- I did have time, eventually! Thanks for the compliment way back when! And thanks for sticking with this!!!  
 **Yay :D** \- I couldn’t wait to see where this went, either! If you’re reading this, thank you!  
 **suz** \- I continued this! Yay! And thank you!!!  
 **emirain** \- Thank you! And I did!  
 **Uriellyodd** \- You waited, and now there are results! I hope they have been good! I was procrastinating hard on this story, and then you commented, and I finally did! You’re a key cause to the completion of this fic, so really, THANK YOU!  
 **tealTangerine** \- I fixed it! Thank you for telling me, than you for everything!  
 **Emily** \- Thank you for bombarding me! And thank you for the compliments! And thank you for reading this, if you are!!!  
 **Indy/Indre** \- Sorry I can’t find the thingy that goes on the e! Thank you for all of these comments! Thank you for your time, your patience, you’re everything! I think our little blue boy’s gonna be alright; D  
 **MK** \- Thank you so much! They’re all out now, I hope I make you happy!  
 **asti** \- THANK YOU!!! AND I DID!!!  
 **MarMar1997** \- I hope I gave you enough angst in the end! Thank you so much for everything! Thanks’ for checking this story so much! I oved your feedback!  
 **Dominik Thompson** \- Thank you for liking this sad story!  
 **Lee** \- Ethan did get better! You’re comments get me smiling every time. I’m so happy someone though I made such a realistically dark story, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted this whole time. Sincerely, thank you so much:)   
**FuzzyCat** \- Thank you for waiting so long! I hope it was worth it!

And special shout-outs to my wonderful, amazing, unbelievable 98 guests! You guys are people too! All of you are! 

And thank you to all of these people featured in this story! Mark, Tyler, Ethan, Jack, KATHRYN, (got it right this time!), Amy, everyone! I don’t even care that you will most likely never, ever read this, this just needs to be said. You make me and so many others smile every single day in so many ways. I don’t know what I would be doing without you. Honestly! All of you are awesome human beings, and I’m proud to support all of you, and all of your communities as well!

Please, please, PLEASE, (starts shamelessly advertising other stuff,) go check out my five other works on this site! I’m sure you’ll enjoy some of it…I hope…and who knows? Give me ideas on what you want, if you want!

One last note: If any, any, ANY of you out there are going through experiences Ethan does in this work, please, talk to someone. There will always be someone who will listen to you, and not think you’re a burden because you just need to let out your thoughts once in a while. I’m here for you! We all are!

I have wasted enough of your time here, so I’ll wrap this up. Thank you so much for reading this, I cannot put my thanks into words. This is been an amazing experience. I wish that all of you enjoyed this as well. Have a nice life!

And, in the future, 

Happy Reading~


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